Infants enter the world wrapped tightly in their mother's arms, nurse and bottle-feed their way into chubbiness, and spend their first years under vigilant eyes, protected from real and imagined dangers. An intense desire to protect and defend the helpless child does not end with infancy. It can get out of hand. For many, the tendency to over-care has become an unthinking habit. Parents suffocate their children through worry, unsolicited reminders, unreasonable expectations,

Here is a tension that most leaders never face: How is it possible to care too much and not enough, at the same time? It sounds contradictory. But it's one of the most common failure patterns in leadership, coaching, and parenting. Understanding it might be the most important thing a helper of any kind can do. When Caring Becomes a Problem A popular presentation we've given over the years explores what we call unexamined helpfulness: the kind of caring that unintentionally un

False praise and harsh condemnation follow leaders everywhere, part of it endemic to being in charge, part of it the ancient human need to create heroes and villains. Parents and presidents, entrepreneurs and executives, partners and principals are pulled in every direction, the responsibilities relentless, the roles unforgiving. Leaders must find a way to see past this noise, beyond stronger willpower, beyond added information. The company leaders keep can offer shelte

The seductive comfort of chosen blindness She found it in the shower on a Tuesday. A small, hard thing that had no business being there. She stood very still for a moment, finished washing her hair, got dressed, and went to work. Then she did something that millions of people do every day with information that frightens them: she decided not to know. Weeks passed. The lump did not have the decency to disappear. But as long as no doctor had named it, it remained, in some

Some questions are simple and straightforward enough to warrant clear, direct answers: Is the stove on? Did you submit the application? Is the fever above 103? Did we hit the revenue target? Was the policy violated? Did my email get through? These are not philosophical inquiries. They require information. Accuracy. Candor. A child asking, "Are you coming to my game?" A patient asking, "Is it malignant?" A team member asking, "Am I still employed?" Clarity is kindnes

Think of the most challenging relationship in your life. Who is it? Now ask yourself: What do I spend more energy on: wishing this relationship were different, or managing myself better within it? When people live and work closely over time, friction is inevitable. Different temperaments, stress loads, maturity levels, and seasons of life rub against each other. Heat gets generated. Energy gets lost. “That’s not the way it’s supposed to be,” the trendy books tell us.