Loneliness is sometimes out in the open, where we can see it, sometimes not.
Noah John Rondeau, the Adirondack hermit, chose isolation. He lived alone in the Cold River Wilderness from 1947 to 1967.
Isolation can also be imposed – Twenty percent of US prisoners experience solitary confinement – 23 hours a day, alone, in a six-by-eight-foot cage. An extended stint in the cage breeds psychic trauma.
Loneliness transcends hermits and prisoners. Dr. Vivek Murthy, the US Surgeon General, recently called it “an epidemic, associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.”
Just over thirty percent of Americans live alone. (In 1960 it was six percent). People live by themselves because of choice, chance or tragedy. Some have strong circles of support, some do not. For many, pets have replaced humans as their primary companions.
The loneliness that hides in crowds probably surpasses that of single households.
Here’s an example from Generation X:
A well-heeled client invited me to his private club for breakfast.
On the way to our table, he introduced me to several other business leaders. Once the two of us were privately seated, he said in a low voice, “This is what we do around here – we like connecting people. But I know that if I was in need of real support in my life, none of these people would be there for me.”
Stunned by his assertion, I asked why he spent so much time with people who do not care about him in any meaningful way. He shrugged his shoulders.
This is not a one-off incident. Seasoned leaders are often surrounded by task-focused colleagues and polite acquaintances who offer no personal depth. The ease of low-investment, spoken pleasantries avoids actually getting to know someone.
Has chronic busyness created an environment that prioritizes surface interactions over connective conversations?
Technology actively promotes this “wading in the shallows.” Social isolation for younger generations is widespread and rising.
Listen to 25-year-old Ed Elson, co-host of the blog, No Mercy, No Malice:
“Gen Z spends an average of 109 days per year looking at a screen, and eighty percent of our waking hours consuming information. As a result, we are more anxious, distracted, and depressed than any generation in history. We spend 70% less time with friends than we did a decade ago. There is no question: The phone has replaced our friends.”
Not all aloneness produces loneliness – plenty of us enjoy good doses of both separateness and togetherness, and some forms of aloneness actually boost social bonding.
Writing, practicing music and doing art are typically solitary activities, but the writer and artist often use their craft to communicate and unite with others.
Similarly, relationship researchers have found that healthy separateness can heighten appreciation and perspective for those in close relationships.
Those situational benefits differ from the perilous loneliness that infects families and workplaces in dozens of ways.
Maybe you’re facing estrangement from a child, parent or sibling.
Perhaps your work habits keep you exhausted, with little effort or time for building strong, reliable friendships.
Maybe the loss of a loved one has you feeling empty and alone.
Or you might be yearning for “something more” in a preoccupied marriage.
Have you gone months or years without a mutually transparent, personal interaction?
It’s wise to pay attention to those experiences.
"Loneliness is a brain signal that tells us we’re becoming disconnected,” says neuroscientist Dr. John Cacioppo, author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection.
Creating a circle of support deserves a high place on our list of priorities. Meaningful connection with other humans is not a desire, it’s a need.
How can we do this?
The most important medicine for reducing social isolation is hiding in plain sight: nurture one-on-one relationships with those we already know and care about. They are under-tapped resources.
Spend personal time with each family member, without the distraction of your phone. Work at revealing your real self in those interactions.
Take the time to contact a friend, or extend yourself to a potential friend.
Share a meal.
Listen with a goal of learning more about the person who’s speaking.
Express yourself transparently and authentically.
Take the risk to turn small talk into significant talk.
Stretch beyond your own cocoon by performing an act of service.
These keys to human connection are simple but extraordinarily powerful.
We know how to program smart machines, we know how to invest money, and we are deluged by entertaining distractions. Are we losing, through disuse, our ability to nurture deeper friendships?
As the year begins, summon the will to build a circle of meaningful connection around you. You’ll probably feel the fulfillment, learn more about yourself, and live longer.
And you’ll get better at it with practice.
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